The following cartoons are courtesy of Jim Werner. You may have to increase your zoom to 125 or 150 percent to properly view the captions. Sorry, but I have not been able to increase the clarity without zooming.

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And From My Own Collection




 Not British Humor, but interesting


Click here for Lucas Humor
A Tribute to Sir John Lucas


Please view the following link. If you do not own a LBC you may not understand the humor.
 If you do not know what a LBC is, then you do not belong on this site!!!!

Utterly Obscure British Humor


How Many Healey Listers does it take to change a light bulb?

(Courtesy "Alex in Maine")

One to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has ben changed.

14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.

7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs

one to move it to the Lighting section

2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

3 to correct spelling/grammar flames

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" -- another 6 to condemn those six as stupid

3 standards zealots to point out that light bulbs have been deprecated in the LB2.1 spec

one to call upon everybody to ignore this deprecation

Two industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

15 know-it-alls who claim that they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum

11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum

36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group

13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me Too"

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"

one lurker to respond to the original post six months from now and start it all over again.

(Note - if you are not a member of the Healey eMail List, you should be!)

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The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions

Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
Translation: Clamp with molygrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?

Haynes: Should remove easily.
Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in hell matey! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.

Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...

Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (industrial size).

Haynes: Ease ...
Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...

Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Crikey what was that, it nearly had my eye out"!

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig out the bayonet part and remaining glass shards.

Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".

Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!

Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!

Haynes: One spanner rating (simple).
Translation: Your Mum could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?

Haynes: Two spanner rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).

Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate).
Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and that your AA cover includes Home Start.

Haynes: Four spanner rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you plebe!

Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert).
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!!
Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!

Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage whilst muttering "******" repeatedly under your breath.

Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!

Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!

Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.

Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
Translation: Snap off...

Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have an RAC Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.

Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!

Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain.
Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.

Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one.
Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.

Haynes: Grease well before refitting.
Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of washing-up liquid. Wipe some congealed washing up liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Halfords to buy some Castrol grease.

Haynes: See illustration for details
Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.

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HAYNES GUIDE TO TOOLS OF THE TRADE

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer is nowadays used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

MOLY-GRIPS/ADJUSTABLE spanner: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETELENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake-drum you're trying to get the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for for the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls in about the time it takes you to say, "F...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering car to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front wing.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a car upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

INSPECTION LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate as 105-mm howitzer shells during the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper- and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a fossil-fuel burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a pneumatic impact spanner that grips rusty bolts last tightened 30 years ago by someone in Dagenham, and rounds them off.

PRY (CROW) BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.


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Lucas the Prince of Darkness

Not many people know that British Motor Cars attempted to market a computer. Why did they stop? They could not find a way to get it to leak oil!

A British Motor Cars product doesn´t leak oil, it marks it´s territory. Did you hear about the man whose LBC (Little British Car) didn't leak oil? The factory took it back and worked on it until it did.

Did you hear the one about the guy that peeked into a LBC and asked the owner "How can you tell one switch from another at night? They all look the same. " - "He replied, "It does not matter which one you use, nothing happens !"

The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."

Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.

Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.

Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.

The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off.

The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.

"I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou..."

If Lucas made guns, wars would not start.

A friend of mine told everybody he never had any electric problems with his Lucas equipment. Today he lives in the countryside, in a large manor with lots of friendly servants around him and an occasional ice cold shower...

Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.

Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators

Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.

Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting: "Oh mighty Prince of
Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."


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Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke

Have you inadvertantly let the smoke out of the wires on your classic British car? This, then, is the solution to your problem!


Here is presented for your perusal one Lucas Replacement Wiring Harness Smoke kit, P/N 530433, along with the very rare Churchill Tool 18G548BS adapter tube and metering valve. These kits were supplied surreptitiously to Lucas factory technicians as a trouble-shooting and repair aid for the rectification of chronic electrical problems on a plethora of British cars. The smoke is metered, through the fuse box, into the circuit which has released it's original smoke until the leak is located and repaired. The affected circuit is then rectified and the replacement smoke re-introduced. An advantage over the cheap repro smoke kits currently available is the exceptionally rare Churchill metering valve and fuse box adapter. It enables the intrepid and highly skilled British Car Technician to meter the precise amount of genuine Lucas smoke required by the circuit.

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British Term
American Term
Accumulator
Battery
Actuator
Switch or Servo
Artic
Articulated Lorry = "tractor trailer"
Baulk Ring
Synchro Ring
Bonnet
Hood
Boot
Trunk
Bulkhead
Firewall
Choke Tube
Venturi
Core Plug
Freeze Plug
Crocodile Clip
Alligator Clip
Crosshead
Phillips
Crown Wheel
Ring Gear
Cubby Box
Glove Box or Glove Compartment
Damper
Shock Absorber
Drive Shaft
Half shaft or Axle shaft
Drop-head Coupe
Covertible Version of 2-door Coupe
Dumpy Screwdriver
Short Screwdriver
Dynamo
Generator
Earth
Ground
Estate
Station Wagon
Fascia
Dashboard
Fixed-head Coupe
2-Door Coupe
Frogeye
Bugeye
Gallon (Imperial)
5 US Quarts
Gearbox
Transmission
Gudgeon Pin
Wrist Pin
Hood
Convertible Top
Jointing Compound
Gasket Sealant
Lorry
Truck
Mole Wrench
Vise Grips
Monocoque
Unibody
MOT
DOT
Ministry of Transportation
Department of Transportation
Nave Plate
Hub Cap
Nose
Front of Car
Parafin
Kerosene
Pinking
Knocking or Pinging
Prop Shaft
Drive Shaft
Petrol
Gasoline
Prise
Pry
Proud
Above or Raised
Quarterlight
Vent Window
Rev Counter
Tachometer
Ring Gear
Flywheel Gear or Starter Gear
Roadster
Car that only comes in a convertivle style
Roundabout
Rotary or Traffic Circle
RoStyle
Type of Steel Wheel (as opposed to wire)
Saloon
2 or 4 Door Sedan
Scuttle
Cowl
Side Curtains
Removable Side Windows
Silencer
Muffler
Sill
Rocker Panel
Shooting Brake
Station Wagon
Spanner
Wrench
Split Pin
Cotter Pin
Spring Washer
Lock Washer
Squab
Part of Seat
Suction Advance
Vacuum Advance
Sump
Oil Pan
Thrust Bearing
Trowout Bearing
Tickover
Idle
Top Gear
High Gear
Torch
Flashlight
Trunnion
Sliding or Rotating Joint (Suspension)
Tyre
Tire
Wheel Nut
Lug Nut
Whitworth
British Thread measuring standard
Windscreen
Windshield
Wing
Fender

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The Origins of MoWoG
Firstly what an earth am I talking about?

'MoWoG' was moulded in to many castings used in MG, Austin and Morris engines over many years. And speculation, not to say argument, is rife amongst MG aficionados as to what it means.

Some say 'MoWoG' is the name of a god that has to be appeased with many offerings of fluids and expensive new parts, otherwise 'he' (or more probably 'she') will cause breakdowns at most inopportune moments.

Others say it was a joke by a foreman in the casting shop many years ago, knowing that it would plague owners for years to come.

The truth is a little more prosaic - it probably represents the merger of MG and Wolseley into Morris Motors and the use of common parts from that point. Most agree that the 'Mo' stands for 'Morris' and the 'Wo' for 'Wolseley'. But that still leaves plenty of room for argument as to what the 'G' stands for.

Clausager, in his essential bible on the MGB - Original MGB - mentions in passing that it stands for 'MG'. A spokesman for BMIHT in the first issue of their magazine answered the specific question by categorically stating that it stood for 'Group'. However he then went on to say 'But why would anyone want to know?' which in my opinion casts immediate doubt on his credentials, and even his right to be part of BMIHT!

For my part, I am now firmly in the 'MG' camp. Not because of a loyal desire for it to be so, but through a study of the evidence. The source of the greater part of this evidence is David Knowles incredibly detailed book - MG The Untold Story. David relates how Wolseley and MG were owned personally by Lord Nuffield until he was convinced to merge it with Morris Motors in 1935. He also states that, once part of Morris Motors and all design was being carried out at Cowley, the chassis and engine number prefixes and suffixes for Wolseley variants were 'W' and for MG were 'G'. It doesn't take much of a leap of faith to assume that 'M' was already being used by Morris (hence the 'G' for MG since there wasn't much choice for anything else). I would also say it would be extremely unlikely for someone to go to the bother of devising a 'logo' to mark the merger of Wolseley and Morris but to ignore MG which was merged at the same time. Finally, there never was a 'Morris Wolseley Group' as an organisation, just 'Morris Motors Ltd'.

I rest my case, M'Lud.

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